第186 I didn't want to bind my feet I don't think many girls did
I didn't want to bind my feet, I don't think many girls actually did but I had no choice. I don't think my feet are particularly small but ladies in my family including me had the smallest feet in our village. My mum's feet were much smaller than mine. She was very good at foot binding and she was the one who helped me bind my feet at the age of four years old. It wasn't an easy thing to do. The first time the toes were broken and then pushed against the soles of my feet. Then my mum wrapped them in white bandages which were tightly wrapped around from my toes to the back of my ankle. At times it was very painful but not always as very slowly made them small over a long period of time. My feet were bound both day and night and I would only take off the white cloth once a week for them to be cleaned and for the toenails to be cut. My feet never bleed but after a week had passed and the dirty bandages were removed it didn't smell good. Eight years later, at around the age of 12, my feet were the size my mother was happy with and although I didn't stop binding them I didn't need to bind them so tightly anymore.
At that time I was already working and helping around the house. My family owned goats at the age of 10 it was my job to take them to the mountains to graze. By ten years old my feet didn't cause me pain and with small feet, I was easily able to climb the mountain. I also didn't really know how to walk with big feet as I was only used to ever having small feet. My mum and other ladies around me always told me that with big feet then no one would want to marry me and they were right. At that time you needed small feet to marry a man. I did know two girls when I was younger who didn't bind their feet. They did have the chance to marry but it was much harder for them. When I married my husbands family first looked at my feet. His mother asked a matchmaker to find her son a wife and one of the requirements was that she needed bound feet. She found me at the age of 16 and because my feet were small she arranged with my family for us to marry. Two years later in 1956 at the age of 18 of we married, he was five years older than me. My mother had told me that he was a good man and his family would treat me well. We were from the same village so my family knew his and because of this, I could often see my family after I moved to his house. Back then I listened to my mother and trusted when she said and she was right. He did treat me well and so did his mother. She also had small feet, around the same size as mine. My husband did like my small feet but he could never see them. His mother also wasn't allowed to see them and when I cleaned them I'd have to hideaway. It was considered very rude if they saw me washing my feet.
On our wedding day, there were two new sets of clothes bought for me. They were in the same style as the clothes I wear today but they were made with red cloth but I can't remember what colour my shoes were. My husband looked tall and handsome and he wore a suit. I felt pretty happy that day. Around two years later we gave birth to our first child. I was around 20 years old and it was 1958. We had eight children altogether but unfortunately only five survived. One died at just a year old, another one was four years old and the oldest was 10 when he passed away. It was very common in them days for children to die at a young age. We didn't have access to hospitals or doctors and there wasn't any medicine for us to take or give to our children. They were tough times and for around 20 years life was really hard. At times we would go hungry, sometimes for two or three days. For around 20 years whatever we had we would give to our children first then if there was anything left then we'd get to eat. We would climb the mountains to look for wild vegetables, grass and leaves and we would boil the leaves to make them soft but they were really bitter and not good to eat. We didn't have money to buy the things we needed and what we did have was very old and broken. We didn't have things like toothpaste, washing up liquid or toilet paper. For toilet paper, we'd have to use leaves. I had one child in my belly and the others were running around my feet, sometimes hungry. Having five children at that time was difficult but we managed to survive, we had no choice. Luckily the children could still drink breast milk which helped them stay relatively healthy for the first two or three years of their lives. In the '60s, we also did a lot of farm work. The more work we did, the more points we earned and the more food we got. No work meant no food. We would all work together and then after the morning or afternoons work was finished we'd all eat together. We all wore a badge with the face of Chairman Mao and we all knew songs about him. During the day we'd sing songs about him and this would help keep morale up. Working together when the work was hard made it better and we could help each other when someone found it difficult, in turn, they'd be able to help you when you were finding it hard too. Like both of my parents, I was a farmer all my life. My husband could farm, build houses from wood as well as farming tools and coffins. He also made coal which was really hard, hot and dirty work. The salary he would get, which wasn't much he would give to me to look after and spend. He was also a party member. My husband died around three years ago. When he passed away I wore black and blue clothes. When he died, of course, I was sad but not as sad as when my children passed away. Now I live next door to my son who is also a farmer and keeps some livestock to make a living. They treat me quite well and they cook for me but because I am still so fit and able they don't need to look after me too much. When I was 15 Americans passed through our village. I was quite a shy 15-year old girl and I didn't want to them to see my small feet. They did take photos of us and they also took away some of our shoes. I think they were interested in our traditional clothes and of course our little feet. They couldn't speak Chinese so I just gave them the thumbs up. They only stayed for a day, never to be seen again.
My mum died when she was around the same age as I am now, she was poor and sick. My dad died at the age of 75. He was addicted to some illegal drug which also made him very sick and killed him. Growing up my family weren't rich and my parents had eight children including me. My sisters all had small feet and not one of us had the chance to study. I really did want to go to school and I thought it was a little unfair that we didn't have the chance. Now I can't read and I can only write my name. Sending a child to school cost a lot of money and they couldn't afford it. One of my brothers did have the chance to go to school, he was luckier than us. From a young age, I learned to farm and the girls also learned to make clothes and shoes. I was around 14 when I started and my mother taught me how to make them. We couldn't buy new shoes or clothes as they were too expensive so we had no choice but to make them. If we had money we would visit the local market to buy things like cloth, needles, and thread. We only bought what we needed and everything we bought was used, nothing was wasted. When we didn't have enough money to buy thread we would use fibers from the leaves. I would strip them down and with them between my lips I would twist them around with my fingers until they were very tight, very thin but very strong. It was painful and my lips would bleed. I can no longer make shoes or socks but I think I have around 100 pairs left that I've made or bought. I need to keep them as I don't know how much longer I am going to live for. We can buy shoes at the market but most of the time they are too big for my feet. I am 81 years old. I no longer grow vegetables so I have plenty of free time. There was a pond here in the village but it's since been filled in and on top, they laid a bowls court for us. Most afternoons I will play bowls with friends, some of them also have bound feet.
I haven't played for long but it's fun and keeps me healthy. As a team, we are pretty good and a few years back we went to Kunming for a competition and we won! I also used to be able to dance which I enjoyed but as I've grown older I've since stopped. If I am not playing bowls I'll find my friends, some of which I've known for years, ever since I was married. They also have bound feet like me. I still bind my feet now. During the day I will wear bandages, socks, and shoes but at night only bandages and socks.
Life is much better now and after 81 years I have finally found happiness.
That happiness has come far too late as I don’t have much time left to enjoy it.
Yunnan
我不想裹脚，我觉得那时候很多小姑娘和我一样，都不想裹脚，但是我们没得选择。我的脚不是特别小，但是总体来说我们家的女性，包括我，在我们村里面都是最小脚的女人。我妈妈的脚比我的脚小很多，她特别会裹脚，她帮我从4岁开始裹脚。裹脚的过程很痛苦，我的脚指头会断掉，再把它们压到脚底板下面，我妈妈然后会用白布把脚指头紧紧裹起来，一直裹到脚踝。有时候特别疼，但是后来就好很多，因为让脚变小是很长的过程，慢慢发生的。裹脚时候不管白天黑夜都要裹，一周只拆一次裹脚布，拆了洗脚剪指甲。我的脚没有流过血，但是每次等裹了一周后，裹脚布很脏，脚会很臭。裹脚裹了八年之后，到了我12岁，我的脚和我妈妈的脚差不多大，她很高兴，虽然我还要裹脚，但是不用裹的那么紧了，我有时候还要帮家里干干活。我家里那时候有很多羊，我10岁的时候，去山上放羊就是我的任务了，那时候脚已经不疼了，反过来因为脚小，我很会爬山。
因为我一直都是小脚，我也不知道大脚怎么走路。我妈妈和其他女性长辈都告诉我，如果我是大脚的话，就嫁不出去，她们当时说的是对的，那时候要想嫁人就必须要小脚。我小时候，知道两个没有裹脚的女孩子，她们没有裹脚，也没嫁人，所以生活很难。我嫁给我丈夫的时候，他首先看的就是我的脚。他妈妈当时找媒人给她儿子介绍媳妇的时候，其中一个要求就是要小脚，媒人当时到我家的时候我16岁，因为我是小脚，就安排我们结婚了。两年之后，也就是1956年，我18岁的时候我们结婚了，我丈夫比我大5岁。我结婚之前，我妈妈告诉我他是一个好男人，他家人会对我很好。我们以前是同一个村的，两家人都很熟悉，因为距离近，我也能经常回娘家。当时我相信我妈妈说的话，后来事实证明她说的对的，我丈夫和他妈妈都对我很好。他妈妈也裹了脚，和我的脚大小差不多。我丈夫很喜欢我的小脚，但是他从来没见过，他妈妈也没见过我的脚。我每次洗脚的时候都会藏起来。如果别人看到我的脚，是很不好的事情。我们结婚当天有两套衣服，风格和我今天身上的衣服风格差不多，不过颜色是红色的，我记不得当时鞋子是什么颜色的了。我丈夫那天很高很帅，穿着中山装。我当时感觉很幸福。结婚了2年后，我们有了自己的第一个孩子，我当时大概19到20岁左右，那一年是1958年。我们总共有8个孩子，但是只有5个活下来了。其中一个孩子1岁左右死了，另外一个是4岁不在了，虽大的是10岁丢的。那时候小孩子活不下来很正常，我们当时没有医院、医生和药。有很多困难的时候，大概有20年我们的日子都很苦。我们有时候会吃不饱，两三天没有东西吃，所以能找到什么我们就吃什么。我们会爬山去找野菜、草、树叶来吃，把树叶煮了，让它们软一点，但是还是很苦，不好吃。当时也没有像牙膏、沐浴露或者卫生纸这些东西，上厕所就用树叶。那时候，肚子里有一个孩子，其他孩子在我旁边跑来跑去，饿着肚子。那时候养5个孩子很不容易，但是我们都挺过来了，没得选择，只能活下来。好在当时孩子们还有奶可以吃，所以2到3岁之前都很健康。60年代的时候，我们还要做很多农活，干的活越多，积分也就越多，所以能换更多吃的。如果不干活的话就意味着没有东西吃。我们当时所有人一起干活，每天早上或者下午大家干完活之后，就一起吃饭。我们所有人都戴着毛泽东头像的徽章，都会唱和他有关的歌，白天我们上班的时候就歌颂他的歌，这样干活就很有士气。
大家一起干活，比较好的就是当活比较难的时候，我们能够互相帮忙。和我父母一样，我也是农民，我丈夫也会种地，还会用木头造房子、造农具和棺材，他还会做煤球，做煤球很热很脏。他以前还是党员，但是三年前去世了。他去世的时候，我穿黑色和蓝色的衣服，我当时很难过，但是没有自己孩子死的时候难过。我现在住在我儿子隔壁，他也是农民，养了一些家畜来赚钱。他们对我很好，会给我做饭，但是因为我现在身体还很健康，他们不需要特别照顾我。我15岁的时候，有几个美国人从我们村路过。我当时15岁，很害羞，不想给他们看我的小脚，不过他们给我们裹脚的小姑娘们们拍了一些照片，我觉得他们对我们的衣服和我们的小脚很感兴趣，我们身上的衣服都穿了一辈子，没觉得哪里特别。他们不会说中文，我只会对他们竖大拇指，他们待了一天就走了，从那以后就再也没见过他们。我妈妈是在我这个岁数去世的，她老的时候很穷，身体也不好。我爸爸去世的时候年轻点，75岁。他当时吃一种犯法的药，上瘾了，那个药对他身体很不好最后害死了他。从小到大，我们家都不是很有钱，我父母包括我在内总共生了8个孩子，我的姐妹们都是小脚，没有哪一个去上过学，不过我以前是很想去读书的，我觉得有点不公平。我现在不认字，只会写自己的名字。
以前送孩子上学的时候要花很多钱，他们供不起8个孩子上学，我只有1个大哥上过学，他比我们都幸运。我很小时候就学会种地，女孩子还要学怎么做衣服做鞋子。我大概14岁的时候，我妈妈开始教我们做手工。我们当时买不起新衣服新鞋子，太贵了，所以没得选择，只能自己做。如果我们有钱的话，我们就去当地市场买些布和针线，只买些必需品，买的东西都是别人用过的，不浪费。当时如果没钱买不起线的话，我们就用树叶上面的纤维。我们把树叶剥下来，然后用嘴巴搓，一直搓到树叶很紧很薄，但是也很结实。嘴巴很疼，嘴巴和牙龈都流血。我现在不能做鞋做袜子了，但是我觉得我大概还有100多双鞋子，有的是我自己做的有的是买的，我的鞋子一直都留着，因为我不知道自己能活多久。我们现在能在市场买鞋，但是大部分时候鞋子都太大了，我今年81岁，现在也不种地了，有很多空闲时间。我们村有个池塘，但是现在已经填上了，建了门球场，我们经常下午去和朋友打球，她们有些人也是裹脚老太太。我打球没打多久，但是觉得很有意思，能让我身体健康，我们球队打球打的很好，几年前我们去昆明参加比赛，最后还赢了，我以前还去跳舞，我很喜欢，但是现在年纪大了，不跳了。如果我现在不打门球的话，我就去和我朋友们聊天，我们从我结婚时候就认识了，她们和我一样，也都裹脚了。
我现在还在裹脚，白天时候脚上有裹脚布、袜子和鞋子，但是晚上只有裹脚布和袜子。
现在生活好多了，我今年81岁了，终于生活得很幸福了！但是这幸福来的太迟了，我没有太多时间享受了。
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